With a long enough timeline, the survival rate of everyone drops to zero. I'm hitting that point where everyone I know is suddenly all getting married (within the same 2 month period, it would seem). It's disconcerting and it's making me feel old. At a whopping 26 I'm suddenly wondering where all the time went.
I remember putting on shows in the main street square in my home town, entirely illegally, forging documents from city hall so the cops wouldn't figure us out (which they eventually did of course, but not until after the show was over). I remember breaking into old decrepit buildings to take pictures of what was left, melodramatically thinking perhaps the thing had a soul.
And I remember thinking that there was no way I'd make it to old age. What's worse is that I held this suspicion for many of my friends and, years later, found myself fairly convinced that not only would we actually make it to old age, but that in reality, despite the fact that we were all freaks of nature, we weren't that different from everyone else. That though we were obsessed with music we fundamentally wanted the same things as any honest-to-god patriotic American: a nice place to live, enough money to get by, and friends to count on.
And then all that changed for at least one friend. Maybe I was deluding myself in thinking that we were normal. I thought I was deluding myself back in high school when being a freakazoid was what I thought I would always be.
So now I'm getting married. Does that make me normal? I don't know. I do know that almost loosing a friend to the depths of depression and alcoholism is enough to make you doubt the foundations of your own sanity, especially when you're as close to that person as you think you can be to a person.
Epitonic is probably not as normal as I think it is and it's not as grand as you imagine it to be (or maybe I'm deluding myself and you all think it's just, you know, alright). It's a job, like many others. It's unstable. It's painful. It's difficult and challenging. It's rewarding. It doesn't pay a lot but it doesn't pay too bad. There are dark days more often than the bright ones but somehow the whole experience seems to be brighter with hindsight.
I can't explain it, but I think that, at least for two of us, Epitonic was/is a bit of salvation. We have no real faith to speak of except for what we have for ourselves. Epitonic became a thing to believe in and however stupid that sounds (and however stupid it actually is), I can say that it's helped at least the two of us to survive. Scott, I'm sorry that you found yourself where you did. At least you know it wasn't a fall from grace -- in our own fucked up way, we were always at the bottom from the beginning, and we never really left.
I love life, but verily, only when I hate it.
- Friedrich Nietzsche